Just typing the title to this post made me smile. But that wasn't the case yesterday. My life, heart, mind, and spirit felt like they were drowning in "muck". Do you ever feel that way? A dear friend shared about "fear" in one of his recent blogs...and I think that had something to do with my muck. Fear is a crazy thing, isn't it? Fear of the unknown? Fear of not being in control? Fear of being vulnerable or investing with no return? Fear that your feelings will be unrequited? Yes...fear...something Jesus constantly addressed with his disciples, but at the same time encouraged as the beginning of wisdom.
Returned from a work trip on Friday. It was very successful and I even found the perfect little apartment near the beach. But so many questions and unrealized fears were stirred up as a result. As a "recovering control freak", being "out of control" and having to trust and wait and know that He knows what's up is still a challenge for this type "A" extrovert. I typically embrace change and new adventures with gusto, but this time is a bit different. Exhausted from my trip and wanting to just relax and regroup a bit, I came home to find things not the way I had left them. This completely disarmed me. I felt violated, disrespected, disregarded.... So off to the beach I went. I find so much solace there...the pounding of the surf...the water lapping onto the shore...the glistening of the sunlight as it dances on the water...even the melody of the seagulls...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh...and my body relaxes. YET! No peace was to be had within my soul. So...being the stubborn one that I am, I told the Lord I wasn't leaving until he met me there. Period. And I waited. One hour...two hours...three hours... Thoughts drifted to decisions that need to be made...huge life decisions, like when to make my move to Florida? How long will I be there? Will I come back? What about Daybreak? Movies? TV show? Friends here? Lauren and the baby? Fear of the unknown...fear of not making the right choices...fear of saying too much, too soon - or of not saying anything at all. My mind was so overrun with thoughts and the emotions that followed the processing of each one, I was paralyzed with butt firmly planted in the sand. And then it came...that still, small voice that I have come to recognize and thirst after. "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will make straight paths for your feet. I am making a way in the wasteland and streams in the desert... No longer will they call you Deserted or name your land Desolate...when you call I will be found by you when you seek me with all your heart." A peace flooded over me and brought with it a clarity and hope for what lies ahead. I don't have all the answers yet, but..."I will remain confident of this, I will see the goodness of the Lord"! :) <3
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